Dear Old Friend: I still love you!
I want to tell you that I miss you so much. When I come across tough moments, I reflect on our beautiful memories. Sometimes, I randomly pick up my phone and get ready to message you and then it hits me that “we are not like that anymore”. You see, I got so used to your presence in my life and you being my go to person that several months later and years later I am still in denial. Until this day I am clueless about why our friendship fell apart and hasn’t recovered. Is it really the end of such a great friendship? I reached out, but you did not care to respond. Something changed. I thought my actions showed how much I love(d) you. I hate that we live in a world of big words and instant gratification. I only know actions, but I had always spent so much time away, career moves.
I grew up alone. My childhood was lonely and the TV was my best friend. I got used to talking to my imaginary friends and myself. I got used to talking and never hearing anything in response. I hated it, but I was used to it. I was disappointed so many times while growing up to where I had to teach myself to bottle up my emotions and keep them to myself. Majority of my childhood, no one was there to listen and when someone was around, they weren’t worried about my emotions. I always felt like, “Who cares anyway?” but the real question is, “What did my childhood have to do with you?”
I miss you. I miss our talks, I miss our laughs, and I miss how you kept me positive and how I knew exactly what to do to comfort you. It made me proud knowing that no matter how bad of a day you had, I was always capable to spark positivity in your heart. You meant to me more than I was ever able to express. Expressing how I feel was never my thing, but you were patient with me and taught me the value of communication. Our friendship was a blessing.
Despite the “walls” I had built growing up and despite my need for isolation when going through hardships, I value(d) you. I told you “I love you” a significant time after you told me, but I meant it. I mean what I say and that is “100”. I love hard and I give tough love. I pushed you to be better and encouraged you to branch out, grow, and learn to want me in your life and not need me. My intention was not push you away, but to help you grow. I am not going to lie, some days I wished I was different. I wish I was the type that was open, easygoing and not so complicated and distant. I then quickly realize, however, that I probably would not have met you, if I was different.
Everything that broke me growing up, made me, and allowed me to meet a person like you. So, I am grateful. I may not talk to you anymore and we may not spend hours talking about life, but our paths crossed and our moments are part some of the best ones in my life. I am grateful. I am lucky. I am blessed. Some people never get to experience a friendship like ours, but we did, and I am forever grateful.
I hope life is treating you well and that smile too, when you think of our moments. I love you and I know this separation is for the best.