I wish I didn't question life and my existence as much as I do.
Most of the times I'm positive, but the few times that I'm not....are “strong”; they’re powerful. It's more than just being negative. It's not wanting to belong in this society, in this world.
My words are always heard, but not always understood. The thoughts I have may be valuable to me, but present no value to anyone else, I want to be forgiven and I want to forgive others.
Writing has become my escape. My escape from reality, pain, hurt, disappointment, and life, especially when I write as a blogger. For the few moments I write, I see life positively. I hope. I have a purpose in life which is to help others believe and find strength in themselves.
Now, the self-growth and the power within us that I talk about in almost every social media post, blog or speeches, I sometimes struggle to find myself. I look back. I see all the things that I have overcame, things that I have achieved, mental toughness I have presented and I think from time to time, I got to be here for a reason.
It's not an accident, not out of fluke. I'm here to leave my mark on a smaller or a larger scale.
However, I have these thoughts. These thoughts I always try to fight and push to the side, but always manage to come back around. My chest gets tight, my breathing changes; it gets a little harder to breathe. My body starts to feel weak, paralyzed, and useless. I'm not really in the moment; I'm just there. I'm there physically, but far - nowhere close mentally.
And while my mind gets to experience different realities, I'm stuck in the realest of all and that is where I'm physically located.
For me, there's no worse pain that feeling inadequate; never good enough. If it's not my looks, it's my words, if it's not my words, it's my thoughts. If it’s not my thoughts, then it is something else. It's just always something.
Being a unique individual is tough nowadays. You are coerced to fit in, to belong to a stereotype, to match society’s standards, to be what you are not. Either you are a woman, a man, a child, Black, Caucasian, and Latino or, better said, human, you are pushed to be something or someone else.
You are asked to be yourself and then are criticized for doing so. So, I am here to tell you that that is okay. It is okay to be criticized. It is also okay to have a dark thought every now and then. You cannot be positive everyday just like you cannot be negative every day, but you can always be yourself!
I don't know who will read this and I don't know what goes on in your mind. I am not sure what your dark thoughts are consisted of, but I just want you to know that positivity is a habit. Practice positivity, so positivity can take over those thoughts. Hold yourself accountable of the amount of positivity you incorporate in your daily activities and routines.
Just like with every habit, good or bad, you may break it, you may stray away for a little bit, and then go back to it. That is perfectly fine! Seek improvement not perfection!
You will have your days, you will have your moments, you will have the times that you feel like giving up, but don't. I can't thoroughly and analytically tell you why not to give up, I do not know your reason, but I just know you shouldn't. Don't let your dark thoughts win. Don't let them conquer you.
Your dark thoughts are just dark thoughts, they don’t have to be you or represent your lifestyle.
Remember how I said that blogging makes me hope and remain positive? I have made it a habit to write, dance, workout or even sing when I have my dark thoughts/moments and this is what comes out of it!
What do you guys do?
Turn your negatives to positives! Love always Findurselfbyjro!